I need 2...

Start focusing like a fucking soldier...life is life...up and down...but I cant not not give a fuck so much in the downs that im tripping myself...SUCK IT UP

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That feeling of being on top of the world...I need to feel that again soon

So I decided...

to stop being so fucking miserable, it's boring...sitting still is boring, I need to work out...

but then I was gonna check my vacation dates from school to go to LA i January only to realize that there seem to be no time for that. Wtf now...

Honestly, I just wanna get away and I can't wait...

Fuck that new girl that you like so bad...

Jojo has grown...haha I remember me and S standing and singing to little to late in our London place, so random, it was a good laugh really going for it with the whole body :P Here is her version of Drakes Marvin's room...like...

Overheard some foreign students...

talking about being on a information meeting about what's legal and not legal in Sweden and they said "...and so basically everything is illegal"...lmao...I wonder which laws were bothering them and where they are from.

First day of school

I didn't really feel like my final BA semester walking to school. The old me would have dresses up to look professional or something...new me, whatever is layin on the floor I can wear. I was way on time and that's when you don't appreciate the academic quarter which means 15 min flex. The schedule will say 10, but class starts 10.15.

As I was sitting there in the information class room I started feeling trapped and just NOT liking the situation. The institution hasn't changes a bit since I took my first year of Political Science there 05/06. Looooong time ago...how am I suppose to remember the methodology I learned then to have it on more advanced level now...FML. A little undepressing renovation bitte. Well, I had to think and breath to not let that feeling of panic grow into a total panic attack.

Walking home I was freezing and it's not even close to winter. I'm gonna die in the cold to and from school. And I guess I will be standing in cold and snow a lot at this train station, yaaay.

Put me 2 sleeeeeeep

It's 5 in the morning and I haven't fallen asleep yet...hyper tierd by now...I'm starting to feel a little koko, but a good sign is that I know Im a little koko for now...real koko people don't know they are koko because the build their perception of the world thereafter. Yupp for now Im a psychiatric expert toooo lol...but something like that.

Did you know that there is estimated to be about one psycho in each class...thats a lot.

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Can humans...

...suffocate themselves with pillows or is it one of those things one can't do because of self preservation...you know like they say we can't bite ourselves to bleed between the pointing finger and the thumb. Just laying awake thinking about useless shit, being frustrated...

It's three in the night and I'm wide awake thinking of banging my head into something because tomorrow I start school and it's freaking me out, one of my friends in LA is in the hospital with an IV ( i bet the morphine is nice thou) having me worried, people telling me they miss me, me telling people I miss them...all the LA photos and updates in my face...should disconnect, but then maybe people forget me :/

Since I've spent a lot of time in my room since I got back it's starting to feel like a cube...that I have locked myself into...why is this change so hard????

Tattoo think

Gosh, thinking about a tattoo or two or three, is exhausting. Well as long as the mean something to me and ain't no motherfucking trends...I think I will get a little addicted if I make one...

Need to really think this through...it will be text, so much I'm sure about, leaning mostly to latin, where is another question.

A tattoo blog http://rodeo.net/tattoologist/

Drunk like a turtle, hung over like a sailor

1. I wasn't ready for party yesterday, so I should have acted on that feeling.

2. L tells me I'm gonna get fucked up after telling her I hadn't been sleeping, I left out I hadn't been eating a whole lot either.

3. When a guy you do not know have to help you put on your shoes, should be a sign saying do not go to the pub. Let's just say there were plenty of signs this wasn't my night as you will read :P

I drank my bottle of red, they poured shots...fuck shots...sitting down everything is ok, but once we were about to hit the bars and started moving I got more drunk by the minute without drinking further. Cab ride is a blur, I fell in the ally and hurt my knees...aouch...I sit outside the bar to get some air...I unlocked my phone after 100 trials, uncapable of writing understandable no matter how hard I tried...

Thought "Shit, my home town can't see me like this I have to go home", luckily almost around the corner...stumble home, have a car following me...creepy...I sit down on the balcony to sober up, well ain't happening. I walk towards the door and fall on my back. I couldn't get up so I was just lying there thinking this is not happening. My plan was to lay there and sober up, till it hit me that my bed is just inside that door. So I pick up the phone and call my dad :D

"Daddy, can you please help me, I'm so drunk that I fell outside the door laying on my back like a flipped turtle trying to get up"

"Umm ok, the coded door, or the one just out here?"

"Let's just say I'm laying three meters from my bed"

He came and picked me up and helped me to my bed, my hero. Just saying that getting by the coded door is skills...if we ignore the rest and what happened next.

I must have been about to pass out when I hear the Beverly Hills song 90210 and see the after titles thinking aww, it's over, I hope there is another episode...when it hits me...I don't even have a TV in my room so how am I watching Beverly Hills????? I'm to young for that to, I watched like Dawsons creek. It's spinning and spinning so I drag my ass to the bathroom to throw up...my dad comes to the door to check on me.

"Are you ok sweety"

"Yupp, just puking pink spaghetti with my legs around the toilet, but I'm ok dad, thanx"

It's creepy being that drunk and then still be able to think more sober than your body that is no longer capable.

I think...

...I just had an emotion that almost made me almost cry...I haven't cried in 2 years now, I just thought to myself to think stone...well it works for the tear channels, but not for the feelings...still have those.

Talking to S:Boo about her going to SMC tomorrow was how that feeling came...flashback in my head over places I like, people I like, my life over there and I can't just go outside my door anymore to see that and them. She is over there and I'm over here...my heart is still in LA and my mind is failing to adjust to Sweden just being all fucking numb...it's just so weird...

Miss you luvs...

and now everybody flew back to LA after their Swedish vacation and I feel left behind...what, I should be on a plane home to, only to realize that I'm stuck here...missing, thinking of ways out of this...

If only...

...i was gonna write wish, but I'm not gonna waste a wish....if only I could just sleep right now, it's past 6 in the morning. I even skipped the party...yeah what's wrong with me? I was gonna find a party friend to  bring and had like zero success. It's like they all "grew up" or moved or are where I left them. With other words, just not here...

Got out of bed 2.30, which has become a habbit, and was back in bed at 8. My dad asked if I wanted to go buy candy like 9...I really wanted to stay in bed, but if candy doesn't get me out of bed they will get worried :P so candy we bought...and yeah fuck this headache...

I should be sick of IKEA...

but when the Ikea catalog arrived in the mail box as it does in every swedish home I grabbed it and...threw it on the table, why should I look in it. I don't have an apartment right now. Today I looked at it again and remembered that it will be valid for a whole year and I'm getting an apartment in january or febuary soooo I can look in it :)

How about a bunk bed....yay...like a fortress and a hiding place underneath...awsome...I'm taking this so seriously...I do...I mean it. Saves space you know ;)

Nothing wrong with My nightstand :p

My dad looked into my bedroom and said I just love what you have done with your nighstand lol. Now that I don't work or study I can take a drink any day, any time for any occasion :p

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Watch the meatloaf...

-"We need to go, watch the meatloafin the owen"
""Umm, ok...I'm setting the alarm" (When are they gonna learn that I'm not capable of that)

10 minutes later...Why is there a timer running on my phone?....hmm...it's to remember something..................................oh fuck , the meatloaf........probably burning while I'm writing this because I forgot about it again attending to writing about it...!?!?

Men as objects and toys?

I have reached a point where men are like objects, like food...yummy and sometimes you would just like to get a bite, but at least I can control that. Eyecandying a lot :P It's just that I have no desire or rush to get a boyfriend and be back in that fuzzy shit right now...dudes say all you want, but giving girlfriends all that relationship shit ain't working no more, you can be clingy and winy to. I don't know what have made me like this...maybe men in general, but yeah you guys are just a big piece of meat right now...and I'm not in to commit or hear your feelings...I'm in it to play with shiny toys...:P

Mismo...

A friend popped up for some help today and I tried the FB video chat for the first time...wiii. He is a total douche sometimes always pulling my leg, but when he started the conversation with "mismo" I knew it wasn't to pull my leg this time...for some reason that's one of the cutest words to me haha.

He got into an expensive school starting in a couple of days and needed to talk, I guess I'm the person for that. Sometimes people just need somebody to bounce ideas with and get an opinion from somewhere else. Got a copy of his acceptance letter to read...made me wish I had one.

Next time...wear a shirt dude...a little distracting :P

Trapped...

I feel like I have been taken to prison, like there is walls all around me and there is nothing to do about it...I know I'm ment to break them, but I have no strenght...feeling no freedome...

Everybody is flying back to LA now and I'm being left behind, handcuffed to Sweden...fuck if only it at least was my ass on the pic :P

The hawtie in CSI Miami...

I love how my mom knows when it's CSI Miami on TV and calls on me..."It's 8, come, your hottie is on TV tonight"...lol she's cute...feeding me some eyecandy...

Up looking for a job...

Hmm...how about applying for a job as a taxi driver just for fun :P I would scare the shit out of the customers and ask them for directions lmao...I can drive, but people make it seem like I can't :P

I'm up searching sites for possible jobs, so I can pay my bills and save up to a vacation and to furnish my apartment in spring :). I wanna get a job so bad, but it has to be next to school. I'm super nervous about doing my BA essay....but I can do it :)

I'm applying for all kinds off jobs, but often they are to advanced or want you to have worked in that area already...